, Day 25-26

April 24,25

I have not missed a day on trying to do work, but keeping up with the journalling and school and work is rough.  I had a final on the 25, so I was really pushing the issues with this work and trying to study.  Both days are a blur, but I did the summoning on both days, as well as the Ganesha work for maintenance.  Its getting harder to invest in the work like I should.   This is a challenge I really just want to end, so I can move on to something different.   Finals correspond roughly with the end of the work, go me, then still I have to move stuff around the house.

Of course, with a final, my mental state is kinda fried yo.

Day 24: Ch-ch-ch-changes in systems, adding a homa

Day 24: Ch-ch-ch-changes in systems, adding a homa

Well geez, up and down.  Today, there was steps in the right direction.  I am kind of seeing up and down, and not consistency.  So there are benefits/results and I am convinced some of this is desire of result issues ( being in the thick of it, is making it hard to see the forest for the trees)

  I am in finals but still doing the work.  I did a full ritual with Dantalion.  I am convinced that the majority of real healing issues involved in the case are structural issues.  Those structural issues can be more important then the individual themselves.   This case is one where the systems and social realities are more important than the  individual psychology.  This is probably true for most things.  People have a false conception of how much “individual efforts” affect the outcome versus roles and systems.  Research doesn’t back it up. I think that is often the case and that how hard magic is often is related how hard to how many systems involved are resistant to change.   One would think, oh, its a healing, simple.  If you measure progress in observable results, you can see “psychological indicators” and then see a problems outside of the individual are actually constraints.  Depending on what those are, you may or may not be able to work on those depending on how deep the constraints are ( magic work to “remove bias” and working against stereotypes probably is a much bigger work then the healing you think you are doing). 

Unfortunately, the individual can change fast, but usually the surrounding systems do not change as quickly and in some cases and those systems include other people.  Hence, this is a desire of result issue.   Looking for observable changes, when the systems are conflicting meaning the final outcome is not yet there.  

I used to think the first book a budding magician should read was a intro psychology book, now I think the second book they should read is an introduction to systems theory.

In the work, I came to the conclusion, I should do a much larger homa with my mantra.   The timing does not work out for a clean 30 days, so I will be extending the work till the weekend of the 4-5.  My bro, Jason will be in, so I figure, thats a good time to do a full fire homa with the mantra.  Although the work started with  Dantalion, I feel like it should end with the mantra that denotes coming out of Darkness ( Kali Yuga) to light ( a different age) in a time sense.  It all fits the mythos of the vedic, seems to fit ecumenically and thematically.   It also fits with the themes  coming out in the work, and a final push toward grace.   BTW thats 10 japa Mal.  ( 1080 reps) in Fire, 10800 full reps.. should be a wild ride. Day 23: WTF… Setback into comback Day 23: WTF… Setback into comback

This was a day of super high anxiety, stress, and setbacks all the way around.  It again raised the idea that the work is not really stable or is not sustainable.  In retrospect, I think there are too many moving parts to live right now, and generally this was everyones meltdown day.  Of course, day 23.  I don’t know if it will be perceived as a release valve and there was way to much emotional eh.  So it was a 3 steps forward and 4 back sorta day.  Really, the stress was stress related to a whole bunch of non-related but actually related life hurricanes of a good sort..  and the negative reactions were desire of result attachment failure.  I will reflect and meditate more.

This was to the point of me having two conversations with Dantalion and in the first, I can admit, I was an asshole.  It was not “grace” accepting thats for sure.  Yeah it was more like, fuck you and the topic of the chains and binds were raised as in relation to the backsliding. The second conversation, there was no formal ritual, since I was pissed, but it was a good conversation and communication.  Now, I just don’t feel like Dantalion is fucking with me, I kinda feel like and the insights I had after sleeping, is that I hit a limit of Dantalion’s ability or the structure of how that spirit’s magic works.  In some ways, Dantalion’s magic is both a problem and good, since it is subtle.  It confirms to me, that had I gone to the crossroads, and did binding magic with Kalfu, that it might have blown up.  Steel can bend but it can break too.  For people, I don’t care about but I need an outcome, this might be easier.  That is clearly not the case, and its clearly rare that would be the case that I have no concern about the person ( whether thats a client trying to influence someone or not).  

 I will totally document this. Change the thoughts of any person, does not mean change the underlying structure.  That is the rub, surface thoughts can get you to do something, but repetition is needed to make it a habit.   In this situation, there are some deep and well cognitively supported hard habits to change over.  It  is moving a mountain.

I did the Ganesh work, saved my ass and did my Legba work which also saved my ass.  SO it is what it is.  more days.  The challenge ends on the day of my final is due too, ahahah fun times.

The next day, super forward steps.  Literally, I am writing this one day after.  Like Dantalion doubled down and said, oh we are getting results and then did.  Thats a pride thing on that spirits part, I can tell. Day 21,22: Rolling

April 22. 2018

So I am both preparing for finals, and doing the challenge.  I am working on on the idea of changing “I can’t” to “I can”, via the Dantalion work.  The work feels like a major lift.  It is hard, like trying to bend steel but not break the steel in the process so you can’t apply to much pressure.  I worked on it on both days on the weekend, but I definitely feeling burnt out.  When the end of the challenge corresponds to testing at school, it just get hard.  Logistically hard, and I already felt burned out.

So this work like I said, has a muffling component.  Let me further explain what that means.  Basically, it means the work is being done while shutting off some sources of magical power to isolate and further augment the work.  So yes we are making it harder, so the work works better but thats doubly harder when your burnt out AND shutting down one whole power grid.  I kinda feel like this is appropriate here, in relation to that idea of working this way.

Now there was a lot of good reasons I came up with the muffling idea.  Sometimes some magical energies can act as noise for specific work.    That said, “Real men of Genius”.

Remember, there are multiple people doing the work and they are doing different aspects.  We all had a long confab about the unintended good consequences, our worries, etc.  I was definitely ( and correctly based on divinations), worried about some parts of the work.  There has been oddities across the board, good bad, weird.   Lots of oddities across the board.  Some concerning points early on, and lots of people feeling strung out by the work.   That seems to be a design flaw, not an accident.  7 more days.

Day 18, 19, 20 Reflections  Social phobia versus commitment

Day 18, 19, 20 Reflections Social phobia versus commitment

Well I really hate doing multiple days on a post, since it means I am not correctly giving myself enough time for reflection.  I think thats true for most of us that struggle with journaling, this is a core issue.  Too many things are going on at the same time.  Writing is a style of self-reflection.   The audio or videos is another.  If thats not happening, I almost feel like half the magic is not done.  I know that won’t be popular as an opinion.

The format of the challenges, actually makes this somewhat harder, I know that is true, but I personally feel like there a couple social principles at work here.

the challenge sets two social principles against each other in a way.

First, because of cultural issues with real world consequences, most people have a real fear about talking about their magical experiences or revealing too much.   This is justified in my own personal experiences, but ( and I am sure I will get hate mail), it is more justified in the terms of occult practitioners and witches who actually do throw curses for reasons that really indicate more self-work is needed.  Curses are useful, just not as often.  Hell people throw curses at public figures all the time.   Anything to not actually be honest with one self.  Non-magical people do this too, almost as much, they just start with gossip or other weapons, but the “different is dangerous idea is a real problem”.     I do recommend people take a pen-name for this reason, and the people who criticize pen names are usually assholes in my opinion.  At least in the midwest, being a witch or pagan is not really ok even with the courts, jobs etc.    

Now that said, I would strongly recommend everyone work on a personal universe where it can be ok ( aka your own business or whatever it takes).  Thats greater magical work, for yourself, but doesn’t change the cultural biases.  Yes you can get yourself to a place it does not matter, and that is the most rewarding magical work I think many people can take.

Second, it pits commitment to advancement against all that fear.   To me,we live in so much fear all the time, that to not talk about it just kills something inside.  I don’t want to talk about it as much as some people, but the commitment is helpful to make you make progress.  Once you commit, once you know people are watching, you tend to follow through.  This is a built in tool.  Its a cognitive behavioral trick.  When you see a whole bunch of others doing the work, you tend to do the work.  I am already sure for everyone posting there is at least another person doing the work, inspired by the work, who just won’t post, but thats ok.

My personal opinion is, read my personal, is that ultimately magical orders do try to have the needed feedback loops and commitment, but ultimately fail based on the fact that the social aspects usually ( but not always),  override and alter the purposes of the order or group.  I haven’t seen any group overcome this as it is a fundamental component of the human condition.  Social status and connections will always overcome or greatly influence purpose.   The social control aspects also lead into a lot of tendencies for abuse.  We all know the stories, I have many too in personal experience.  Plus that, I am not a joiner and I don’t really like the social influence mechanisms ( in the Toastmaster group, theres a lot of these too, and thats something I want to practice).

Increasingly ( and I will be trying to work through this in the next challenge), I have found the social aspects of magical work to be wholly unsatisfying and unenjoyable.  This is again a product of oh shit I have a lot to do and thats what happens.  As an Introvert, its already not something I enjoy from the start.

The domaigck challenge to me is kinda a compromise experiment.  Get the needed commitment boost but anonymously within some basic tenants of discipline but mostly all based on intrinsic motivation.

That reflection aside.

So I did all the work these days, usually still starting too late because I am stressed about work and school.  Obviously the Goetic work is not de-stressing in any meaningful sort of way, and the muffling part of the magical work leaves me a little eh muffled.  I am at the finals stretch, and thats always rough.  

I have been seeing some oddities in the fabric of reality.   I have been seeing a lot of car accidents like the kinda that just has happened before I drove by.  I usually take this as a omen of sorts, of negativity misdirected, but I just don’t feel like there is a connection or anything else that would be like something is amiss.  Now a shit ton of negativity is being transmuted across multiple people with this project, but it just doesn’t feel like ( and divinations), that the accidents are something to be concerned about. Usually I would get a little nervous ( see social paranoia of the occult world, Im laughing at myself right now).  This is just an odditity, like an intuitive thing I look for .. like other omens that happen around me.. like crows being around all the time ( not a death omen for me haha not at all), thats happened to with a couple crows.  Its like there are reality ripples kinda growing in intensity.  Or just other weird patterns that come up when something is changing magically speaking.  I took all that as the work is working, or the pattern of reality is changing ( breaking? ), and that allows for a different reality.