Day 30. Day 30.

Healing work is not easy, and do not let anyone tell you differently.  I haven’t done the work yet today but I Want to get the blog out of the way.  I will be burning all the links.

There are a lot of transitions at the end of the challenge that seem unrelated, but I hope they are related.  

This work has been hard difficult and unrewarding.  I feel like there were too many structural issues that are coming from places of trauma induced cognitive impairment along with tremendous stresses.   Although the need and timing of that need was correct, and I thought the methods were, I am going to say this experimental work did not work as expected.  Some very experimental based magical tools were developed that could actually really help some of the participants, but then I am not really sure there is desire of will there.  Healing work is really hard.  Trauma reinforces itself in other people and really at that point everyone is connected as per Reiki 3.  Its the natural cycle of pain that trauma reinforces itself and spreads.  I don’t feel like some of the needed conversations can openly and honestly be had with all pieces and players, and I would no longer and have not for a while be the right person for those conversations. 

Going into the end of finals, and now a host of transitions that honestly may not be personally positive, and needing to make a few other transitions that are very large and uncertain ( such as job shifting), I am left really on edge.  No clear success on this work, leads to uncertain elements and footing going forward.  It actually is a strategic impairment, and one that I will adapt to. This has been the pattern for a while, but I am not sure how to change that given how the chess pieces are arranged other then a very buddhist “just accept it” mindset.  This in fact may be the answer, but its really in this case impossible to just work on something else without some things messing with other things.   Perhaps with some of the new transitions will ease that.  

Tactical magic from Dantalion was working but really, any greater movement failed at this time.  I am not sure what I was expecting.  I feel like I am hitting a desire of result phase, and probably had unrealistic expectations.  I however usually get very good results when effort is applied at this level and if only I was involved with no other pieces, I guarantee there would have been what I consider miraculous results and clear indicators across the board.   Once you add gears in the system, things turn unpredictable and in this case frustrating.      

The thing is that this work is entirely unpredictable when you do greater healing work, and patience is not a virtual.  I will move on, detach, and go.  Its quite possible that the work starts as a small pebble in an intractable situation and moves forward.    I can honestly say, the last 3-4 magical challenges have worked that way.  In some ways, Grad school and work  SLOW everything down.   The Kali work got rid of negative people from my life ( a few back) and really now am really thinking of some completely different social directions which feel much more positive and based around values I actually have,   the ones before that was a massive restructuring of food/diet in relation to stress ( reducing the stress is not really an option in grad school) and I am not a younger student but after that challenge I have lost 10 inches and over 100lbs…. so its never predictable.

But for this and for now, I need to be done and will do so today  moving into writing a Gigong book and doing ALOT more qigong and Vodou ( on Dambalah’s and Obatala points ) and nlp …. basically self-healing  work to beef up the self to do the aspirational work I would like to do. Day 29 waiting for the end

So I did the work, Dantalion has said there will be results after I am done and the work will continue, but again structural issues and mixed messages prevent another day of seeing possible results.  I have noticed that I become somewhat hyper relaxed after the Ganesh work and it actually takes me a good 20 minutes even after 1 japamal to move forward.  I will continue and finish, and do a larger Ganesh work at the weekend, but the 1st is done with a big lifting for little results.  It can’t come soon enough.  There are other priorities for me to be honest then doing this kind of lift against a mountain.  Too many pieces on the board are reinforcing the illness pattern not the healing one.

Day 28: Those Structural issues

Day 28: Those Structural issues

I am going to be vague here, but I can honestly say I can’t wait for this domagick challenge to be done.  Although I am going to continue the Ganesh work and focus that work on attuning to the mantra fully, I will be stopping the Dantalion work at the 30 day mark. I feel like the results have been at best mixed, the methods of the work is painful or at least numbing, and structural issues/mixed messages/wrong priorities probably are making shit a lot harder.  Really, we are getting some movement, but really it doubly pains me that really the healing movement we are getting could easily accomplished with structural changes and therapists who weren’t painfully apathetic or incompetent.

Additionally, the honest results seem to be coming from Dantalion, but those aren’t stable and really when the results are clearly there, they are constrained a set of pre-conditions and believe sets that are self-destructive.  This is still a vast improvement over the situation at the start, but clearly far from optimal.  Before you “internet-ize” how Im the idiot for working with a Demon on this and thats all to be expected, other people are doing openly Angel work that should stabilize and make tactical movements more stable.  I knew the Dantalion work would produce tactical changes which exactly what it did.  In some ways, I would have to admit these tactical changes are superior what I would have expected, but inconsistent because the strategic changes are not holding as well.

Guess which work doesn’t seem to be working much in results you can measure, hint… its 2 of the angels.  If anyone wants to ask me, why I would rather work demons, the Lwa, Fae, anything but angels, well, its the timeframes are generally not in-alignment with human needs and you generally have to accept the timeframes on faith.  Fuck and that.

With 1 angel clearly I can see it working, but thats inconsistent too, and that is actually my fault because of my need to have clearer boundaries in some situations.  The other 2 angels, maybe there is some results but who knows, it really is not clear.

  All that is not miraculous results, its some results in a situation where multiple parties have vested interests at the subconscious level that are not aligned with healing movement.  This probably is why magic usually doesnt work, too many opposing “interests” in the system.  This situational alchemy has not been fun and really has been quite frustrating to watch it unfold. The effort to results ratio is so negatively skewed that I want to cry about it.

That said, often I can see things take 4-5 months to unfold, but I won’t be watching, and I won’t really be documenting, so it will have to be pretty fucking obvious cause when its done, I’m done. I don’t really feel good about the results so far in any meaningful way, and instead just feel tired and I really don’t want to do this work anymore ( but will for 2 more days), its been honestly a struggle for the last few days and while I do struggle with some magics, I feel this one is mostly failing. This is not a usual event for how the magic goes for my work.  Ending with the Ganesh homa over the weekend, is really just a way to get closure on the work and reset myself to move forward.

If anything, I probably I have failed pretty hard on the grace front although I have seen movement on those fronts, but really getting it down, not so much.  If anything, the stress of finals has made that point even more poignant that I do not do that well, and I am not really tolerant of situations in which a short term emotional gain leads to a mid ( month) or long term (year) problem.  Like Faith, I am not so sure I am so good at the grace thing or at least I have to meditate on this alot more.  Grace certainly does not mean peace, so those two may well be conflated in my mind when I contemplate it.  I don’t work with Gentle loving dieties or spirits, so I shouldn’t expect gentleness.  In no irony statement, perhaps going down a Christianity path with a  gentle father figure is not so bad.  Nah, lets not.  

Still I am really not digging the unreciprocated self-sacrifice and lack of movement in exchange for that as a tendancy in my life, right now.  I will be working on that over the next few months to give that to death.  I am  like with finals ready to be done and chalk this up to a “strong effort” and then think about my goal states and moves without a strong success on this one and that means potentially negative consequences that I will have to adapt to.  Sometimes the magic just doesn’t work the way you expect to, but dealing with those negative consequences are going to be really difficult in this.  I am going to have to make some self-changes and potentially self-numbing changes to keep on the pathways I am on with those consequences.  It is not pleasant thoughts there.  I need some time in a buddhist monastery in one of the dark rooms they have.

I know for a fact for the next challenge, I will not be a) doing anything for anyone else b) probably not working with any spirits in the capacity of the challenge ( well maybe Simbi Makaya) c) will outright be enchanting for selfish things and self-soveignty type of pursuits.  The next challenge is enchantment so… I am really tempted to go all psychological model 100% in, and just do 30 days of the swish pattern end stop.

Addendum:   Again did the work hard, got results, but again with self-destructive components.  Pretty consistent here.   Structural changes are coming at more sacrifice to me, so well see if its worth it.  I am not high on the faith elements here.  Servitors, sigils, so much cleaner. , Day 25-26

April 24,25

I have not missed a day on trying to do work, but keeping up with the journalling and school and work is rough.  I had a final on the 25, so I was really pushing the issues with this work and trying to study.  Both days are a blur, but I did the summoning on both days, as well as the Ganesha work for maintenance.  Its getting harder to invest in the work like I should.   This is a challenge I really just want to end, so I can move on to something different.   Finals correspond roughly with the end of the work, go me, then still I have to move stuff around the house.

Of course, with a final, my mental state is kinda fried yo.