Its clearly no secret that I have been doing Saturn Work. People have been telling me a lot lately, that I cant really say some things I want to because it will offend people, possibly hurting book says. I am going to turn this raw diary entry into a article and I want to say for the record, I do not care if offend people because sometimes thats a good thing. This probably will be extremely raw, and needs to be redone. I should be out riding my bike instead of writing, but I fell like writing.

So what ritual did I do, here it is.. One of my creations
Saturn Evolutionary Transformation

It is hot out, I am sweating, and mostly philosophisizing/ wondering what the hell happened last night.

Walking into Saturn

Saturn work is hard work. It is considered the baleful planent, and the philosophers stone. It is considered the Planetary energies in some cases closet to god. The planent of Authority, deep thinking, suffering, despair.... Saturn promises no quarter, no mercy.. offers no shortcuts

and promises the hard work will pay off evolutionarily.

Lets for a minute cast aside the label of Chaos magician ( not entirely) and talk rawly.

I did that ritual last night hard and totally in. I had to do a second LBRP fullly to even get back to the point I could go get some food to ground.

And I am calling the Angels, and step forward into that circle of "light"... brutalized by the Saturn Intelligence, skinless in an energy sense, Raw and just utterly spent.

I step in there, of the circle of angels, completely messed up, having done a rough Saturn Ritual, trying to get some coherence back. and clear as the son of my voice, I hear from above, " God loves you".   

What a trite fucked up thing to hear, but it wasn't just "verbal", it was the simplest way to express what they were trying to express that was far more of a "vibe". I started to cry and gathered my thinking finishing of the LBRP.

What the %^#$

Of course, I have been working a little with Ceremonial magic, but Vodou and alot of the systems I work with have some concept of all. Mostly I am strickly Pantheistic or Atheistic. Maybe a little taosit. A Christian might read this, and if they understood what Ceremonial magic is in relation to the Christian faith, and say this was a conversion experience if I just accept God's Love. That's certainly the easy way right? Oh but God, is definitely not the fluffy nice Sky dad is he, I just can't accept that. And Goddess might as well been what the angels said. Shit if I wasnt so fucked up, Elohim was really the vibe.. The fact is that blind acceptance is intellectual laziness. Experiences are supposed to make you "think".

but the intellectual mind was toast. God as a masculine well thats just ridiculous to me, and the angelic powers know I have an extremely nuanced and difficult position on god. Now, I sit back and detach, examining the vibe since Faith without reason is indeed slavery. Reason actualizes. But faith has always been something, I have been in short supply.

Aleister Crowley get over yourself. you Asshole

Crowley was a brilliant magician, but he was completely and utterly an asshole. How is this relevant? Agape, divine love. Where did Aleister Crowley put Babylon who for all intensive purposes when you get past the "macho-Crowleyism", is in fact one of the keys to so-called enlightment.... where does he put this modern more cutting Venus, Astarte, and all the other names she has had. She is placed at Binah, or at the abstract point of SATURN on the tree of life. In an Odd bit of syncrenicity to this already long tale, I was helping a fellow Author who was a wiccan who said they worshipped Saturn... in her feminine aspects as Binah, meaning they worships the Sephiroth of Saturn. I will this neo-pagan intepretation of the Sephiroth alone, except to say thats probably not how it was intended to be worked with exactly ( and is a misunderstanding of ceremonial magic), but who am I to talk. I am a chaos magician.

So back To Babylon, Saturn, and God Loving me. Doesn't it strike it as totally odd. That my life has been about Love lately. Getting rid of fucked up patterns, trying to not so paranoid about Love. I have multiple people who claim to love me. Erzulie Freya, directly stepping into my life directly influencing things. Or maybe that was Babylon, it doesn't matter. Honestly, I never really bought into any of the words. What is love? For most people, its pretty words on paper.

Now get rid of the driven of overly pretentiousness and trying to be smarter then their audiences so common in ceremonial magic, Babylon has really only one direction in the literature. To Love and Love without limits and live in Love. Of course that word love again. Babylon is at the point of Binah, which in ceremonial magic is above the thresehold of the material world. Love is Agape.. or a sort of universal love...To love, means to put passion behind what you are doing. Not to worry about what other people think, not to worry abut stuff, but pursue pasion and give into it ( meaning RUN with it do shit about it). The person who does this is promised the world (I'll get to that in a minute). Crowley is an asshole for exactly that reason. Hiding behind the overly intellectualization of the concepts to bolster his own ego position is way of controlling that feminine force.

What the hell does this all mean for a practical sorceror who utterly has contempt for mystism, namely I? If you know me in person, you know i am not really a fan of mystism. I find it mostly a form of escapism in modern occultism and new age thinking. Maybe people offer trite words and even possibly lead nice lives in accordance with those trite words. Its all Love and Light, meditate take no action... and yet... the planet Closest to god, is SATURN... Mysticism offers little or no way to deal with the real world, it serves mostly as a escape from the reality we do not like. But sometimes, its a realization.. a hard fought realization. "God loves you" is such a trite phrase for that realization... such realizations, change the people having them and force them to act upon the realizations, unless they do a fair amount of work to overcome the contexts of those realizatoins. Agape, is not trite phrases. Its action. Babylon calls us to action in line with our passions.

The slavery of Selflessness and the Demon of Egoistic Self Righteousness

What is ego, what is selflessness, what is community? I hate the word community at least in regard to paganism and occultism. Why? Because its not a community ( and this ties in with the them of this I promise). The rush to serve, to serve and be better and give more and more and more. I tell people I wont work unless you pay me. Personal work, no. I won't and yet... if you look at even this web page, and look at the book Hands on Chaos Magic. Many secrets are giving to people at a really cheap rate. Mostly, I ask people support me, and thats mostly so I continue to do the work. BTW I have day job. But I don't usually "do the work for people" for free. This angers alot of pagans, and I often am thought of as a bad pagan, or not on the path of the light. God is not light... such a notion leaves out half or more of the universe which God created. I have been struggling with writing lately. Why write, why teach, why speak in such an environment that I can not measure up to the standards that I do not wish to. That I can not make enough to support myself. Everything about this situation sucks, in a practical magical point of view. The so-called community "does not support", it consumes.

Now often times, people rush to serve. To do more for a community. To rush to serve the community, to rush to capitulate to Diety. The rush to be get rid of their ego... Yes their ego is the problem.. So they brutally surpress ego, and selfishness as the "enemy". Some of the Modern "Neo-Native" practitioners are the worst about this. But I hear it from Buddhists, and any right hand path. But I hear it from Americans, when I sait down and talked to a actual non American Buddhist Monk... there was a profoundly different view. Talk to a Native American who will philosophize with you, not as a white person which they seem to give a trivialized version of, and they have a much more nuanced view. In the land of Ease, and cheap traders, give them what they want, cheap metaphysics. McMetaphysics..... which has easy answers and even easier catch phrases.

But that demon doesn't die so easily does it. People hold up their card carrying member of the martyr club. Justifying self-righteousness and servitude as proof of their ego destruction, and then hold other people accountable because they are not "as selfless". Does holding up a merit badge of service to all that can see it, mean you are selfish. The demon indeed here has two prongs, and the demonized ego ( which is not a demon in itself, its a GOOD thing, without ego and self-respect, no one can really do anything). ..... but the demonized ego fights back almost earning points for who can serve the most. Selfishness and Selflessness are the same demon, just from a different angle. In that light, Service is a form of Dominion taken to that level. A form of social control, essentially exactly what the people are preaching against.

Is this Love? People would say it is. The selflessness is love... but in that moment of "God Loves you"... well the Metatron might as well ( btw who is the voice of god said), God Love You as Himself. or Herself,.. Or As themselves. That was the implied comment. It does not matter what you do. God loves you as himself. Fractylly experiencing himself through our consciousness. That seems a bit selfish :) Even the Christian Formula, I am that I am... suggests that you can't get away from the fractyl. Let's call it Chaos instead of God or Tao, at least those terms do not have the same connatatoin... but then I was working with the Angels at that time. All love are expressions of Self-Love. All actions thus based in Self-Love are correct. Seems a bit like I am stretching, but I am not. If god loves himself through us, he or she doesn't need our worship.... thats just holding up a "proud martyr card". God loves me, because GOD is me. Or said another way, I can not not be an expression of God, as it is is explained in Ceremonial magic. I am God fractally experiencing the world through my own limited lense, and that lense is GOOD, since the limitation allows meaning and unique perspective. What God, and of course, this is the realization, needs, is us to be ourselves, not what other people "impose on us"... God Loves Me as himself because We are god and vice versa. No other props are needed. Now, when you add the notion that "separation" is large illusionary, since all is god, well now we get to. God loves you too, because you are god, and vice versa. Nameste, the buddha in you salutes the Buddha in me.

Back to Babylon and Saturn, Love without restriction.. be who you are..... Pursue your Passions and ACT on them with reckless abandon DESPITE THE WORLD and God loves you because you are God, and by the way, you don't need to earn it.

My War on God as I Knew it, and Why you should Join me

Alot of people, well they know I went to an All boys Catholic school. Here's a hint, if you want your son or daughter to stay chrisitan, dont send to a Christian school. in high school, I came to the conclusion if the people of god were so cruel, god was indeed not our friend. Of course, the Gnostics, say the god we know is just a big bully who puts us in slavery. Because, God, doesn't need worship, as he is all that he is, all that is, I am that I am.. that which is all... well worship seems a little pointless. And yet, why does everyone serve the light, only one side of that equation. Again the demon of the Demiurge, the false god. God that needs to convince us he's god, isnt. If you think about it, that probably makes alot of sense but belief is a funny thing.

This seems like a rant, against Christianity, but it not. God loves you, is the often heard catch phrase of many modern religions. Goddess in paganism, but what does that mean. It is not God loves you if you do X. It is not God loves you because you give to the church, it is not god loves you because you kiss his ass... That's not the forumla I got... The Metranon could have said all that

PEOPLE say that. God(dess) love you because you are. You are that which you are. or if you say it to yourself, I am that I am.

In relation to the world of restriction, Satanism, and other left hand paths make a LOT of sense. How can a God conditionally Love, what the hell is that? How can you lose god's love? You CAN NOT. It does not matter what you do. That which is all, merely experiences itself. If people woud suppress you acting toward your own acts of SELF-LOVE, the natural reaction is to in fact REBEL. In an ideal world, we could all get along. In our world, people are not acting in Self-Love acting on their own passions and desires. They often do not act in accordance with things that would bring them more happiness, or out of a position of passion. They act out a position of perceived power and seek to enforce that power over others. The Left hand path in the west, says NO, we will rebel, and not only that... we are going to stregthen ourselves and pursue our own agenda.. We don't need a god-father to tell us what to do. Of course, the All that I am, probably doesn't want to tell anyone what to do just let them experience themselves so he can recieve that stream. The Act of rebellion, thus becomes a act of Self-Love. Fighting for your freedom from such an oppression, which is the basis of the Left hand path. Strength as an isolate, is a move to limit the power of others over you. To become self-responsible and thus, use magic to further in rebellion because without rebellion, all you have is slavery. But really, how can one who is god, be a slave? Slave to what, him or herself ? You are that which you are, and hence the act of Rebellion towards freedom is Love. Why would the goddess who loves unconditionally, put conditions on that love either. Christian, Pagan. It does not matter. You can't earn it, you have it. And if you are goddess, it means you have the power of creation. Meaning we all have the power we know as magic because magic itself is only a metaphoric ( and a poor one at that) word for the mechanisms of Creation. The Rebellion is justified in Self-Love since none of the constraints were placed in love anyway. Its not about people following their passions... its about control and the lie that control makes you feel better. The Same lie of the Demiurge, The same lie of Maya, well I can go on an on.

Until the demon arises again, that ego problem. At first the rebellion, an act of SELF_LOVE empowers the self... but what happens when that act of self love isnt so loving anymore. Often the power, well corrupts. Seeing the wrongs done, the powerful magician on the left hand path says, now... now I can do those things. I can kill. I can hurt... I can do all those things... and they do... Reacting and forcing their will upon the world. Powerful and Dangerous. Beautiful and Horrrible.... Except they are still only reacting. The Master and Slave are one. No Longer are they are acting in Self Love, but they act in mere reaction to the world. They have falling to the Demiurge and have forgotten Babylon's wonderous statement to act in LOVE.

God Loves you and We are God. All acts of Love are Self-Love... well I can stop beating the reader over the head with this.. ( I think I have dragged the point home).

Back to Babylon Saturn and now Chaos magic... or at least not Dogma magic

Its not that I a particularly enamored with myself, I am not....SO why would I receive such a loaded and fluffy phrase... which isnt. Because I needed to hear it... ( I will go into the HGA ORI and soul implications later). Since writing my book, and before that, I was a little tepid about what I was saying. Publishing is all about what other people think. After all, I am trying to get you, the reader to buy my book. But I didn't write the book in the spirit of money. I wrote the book in the spirit of a few things. Rebellion against the slavery of the system ( aka whats going on now), Magic, and connection. To find people. To connect. Later, things tried to convince me, I should do this for a living.... maybe they are right...but reality thus far says yeah right. I truly want to see people doing magic, using the mechanisms to do magic, to be more empowered. Because I want to talk to those people once they have. I want to have a world where I can openly talk to those people. In essence, a rebellion against the status quo and to connect with the people who would move into fighting that rebellion.

The book is a gleaming diamond, if I don't say so myself, but the carbon to make that diamond came from BLOOD. There were no easy shortcuts. I didnt really care what I said in the book, I needed to say it. The book, Hands on Chaos Magic was and is blood. The experiences that led up to it were so horrible that I needed to find a way to transmute the experiences so horrifying into a usable set of techniques. The people involved in those siuations, well they can agree. Some of it ... messed up. in essence, the act of detailing practical magic that I understood, was an act of Self-Love that transformed the experiences. Alchemy is never easy, there are no short cuts which is the actual teaching of Saturn. Love isnt always light. Love isnt always kind in the traditional sense, it isn't always easy. Love empowers, but sometimes you have to struggle to transform. Going to go, despite adversity, despite pain, is RECKLESS abondan to self love.    In persuing the transmutation despite adversity, is Self-Love. To act in a way, to free others from both the demon of selflessness/Selfishness and so the mechanisms is Love ( at least Agape). To act despite the constraints of others in ways that Empower yourself is LOVE. To have the ability to do so, but not fall victim to the lie of control, is LOVE.

To be stripped and broken by Saturn, to hear "God Loves you".... well it does not matter what you think about me or my book. God Loves me as himself... I am that I am, and regardless you nor anyone else can claim that... And thus being a fractyl of God(dess), I can do anything.

The same, gloriously is true for you. So being God, and loving yourself, or Goddess and loving yourself... you have the power and responsibility to do anything you want in line with your passions.

The God(dess) loves you, but ultimately, the rest is up to you.